After CFTC Fine, Teleprompters Hire Speakers With No Advance Knowledge

The CFTC’s $172,539.02 settlement with former White House aide Gabriel Perez, involving trades tied to advance information about a Trump speech, has created a staffing problem at podiums: anyone who has seen the remarks is now considered overqualified to deliver them.

Under the new Speaker Neutrality Protocol, candidates are recruited from outside the event and told only where to stand. The first volunteer was cleared until an aide explained that she would be giving a speech. She immediately knew too much about the speech to give it.

Organizers responded by hiring 46 speakers and assigning one word to each. After saying a word, each person surrendered their badge and joined a roped-off section marked INFORMED PERSONS. The phrase “good evening” used two speakers, three background checks and the entire available supply of people who had not yet inferred that it was evening.

The arrangement failed when audience members began finishing the sentences. Anyone who correctly guessed the next word was moved behind the rope, including a child who predicted “future” and a caterer who recognized “together” from the previous six speeches. By the midpoint, the only people still eligible to talk were the ones no longer listening.

The final candidate promised not to plan ahead. He reached the microphone, said “I,” and was stopped before “will” after an examiner determined he must have formed the second word shortly before saying it. He signed a recusal from his own next thought and left the lectern. He may return when his remarks surprise him.