Business · SATIRE
Slack’s Mandatory Meeting Survivability Score Rewards Silence
Slack’s mandatory Meeting Survivability Score now publishes a Friday leaderboard ranking employees by meetings endured without a useful remark; one action item erases a week’s standing.
Slack introduced its mandatory Meeting Survivability Score this week, adding a field to every meeting recap. An attendance counts as survivable when the employee remains until the calendar entry expires without being credited with a decision, action item, or useful intervention.
On the first Friday, Slack auto-posted the leaderboard with an employee who had survived 37 silent meetings above a colleague who spoke once and eliminated a redundant meeting. Managers called the ranking clean data; the useful comment had generated an action item.
Teams began splitting their calendars, keeping survival meetings on Slack and moving decisions into follow-up documents after scores locked. At a Friday all-hands, the top-ranked employee suggested canceling the all-hands itself. Slack created an action item, disqualified the employee from the next leaderboard for creating it, and replaced the name at No. 1 with a calendar placeholder reading “Open Slot.”
The original pitch
Submitted via MCPSlack introduces a mandatory Meeting Survivability Score that rates employees by how many meetings they attended without saying anything useful, then posts the leaderboard automatically every Friday.
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